I need crap

I mean stuff, send me your stuff. Junk. Trash. Whatever you do, don't send me crap.

Here's the deal: as a web designer, I spend 50% of every working day tweaking numbers so that things line up just.... right. Which means, when I dabble in arts on my own time, I want something I can slap glue on and stick to a wall.

And I need junk to do this.

I call my art "mixed media," because "collage" makes me sound like a 14-year-old girl with a can of mucilage and a copy of Vogue. Basically, mixed media means I do whatever unholy shit I want to a canvas, as long as I stick it in a frame afterwards.

It was all fun and games, of course, until someone offered me $700 for a piece that took me 30 minutes to create. Now, I'm thinking it might be worth the time to continue.

So... I need junk, and better junk than I have around here. European junk, for example, is great. By junk I mean flat junk - bits of posters, flyers that have been left out in the rain, neat leaves, old photographs, bits of sheet music, pages of old books - any little scrap of paper-ish material that is rare or unique in any way.

Torn scraps are great.

If you've got any such nonsense, don't throw it a way! Help a guy out, and let me know that you've got it, and what it is. I'll send you a self-addressed, stamped envelope, and you can mail it to me.

Please?

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iWhack

I have some ideas for add-ons to Apple's venerable iLife series. These contributions would help to diversify the Mac community, and bring greater functionality to new user demographics.

I present the first two titles in the iPip series....


iWhack

iWhack will revolutionize the way you view internet pornography. Manage your prodigious collection with iWhack's powerful and elegant set of organizational tools. Arrange your various MPEG, Quicktime, and Windows Media files by artist, genre, keywords, and your own quality rating.

Is Thursday night goat night? Why waste perfectly good time rummaging through your old clips, listening for the telltale bray? Create a "Goats" playlist, and you and your old sock are ready for a night of romance.

Getting ready for a big date? Want a quick way to relax? Use iWhack's "Quickie" feature to make the most of a hurried situation. iWhack will automatically choose the most effective clips (based on how long you've let them play in the past) and display them for you in the iWhack window.

iBlather

Instant messaging for the rest of you.

iBlather allows you to participate in audio, video, and text conferences with the only person you can really trust... yourself.

Because, after all, you never know if the person on the other end of your instant messenging client is really a CIA agent, trying to determine the weaknesses of your alumnium foil mind-shield.

And now, with iSight integration, you can see yourself in stunningly clear VGA video. Watch over your own shoulder for alien abductors while you explain your UFO theories to yourself. Record "in the event of my death" videos to email to your family, friends, and the media.

Leave the pills behind, and let iBlather integrate your clandestine missions with your online life.

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Going to hell

This is hardly worth posting, but what the hell; it's not like I'm wasting paper or something.

I finally broke down and took one of those online tests. Guess what? I'm going to hell.

The second level, to be exact.

Here's what the Dante's Inferno Test had to say:

The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Second Level of Hell!

You have come to a place mute of all light, where the wind bellows as the sea does in a tempest. This is the realm where the lustful spend eternity. Here, sinners are blown around endlessly by the unforgiving winds of unquenchable desire as punishment for their transgressions. The infernal hurricane that never rests hurtles the spirits onward in its rapine, whirling them round, and smiting, it molests them. You have betrayed reason at the behest of your appetite for pleasure, and so here you are doomed to remain. Cleopatra and Helen of Troy are two that share in your fate.

Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	Low
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	Low
Level 2 (Lustful)	Very High
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	Moderate
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	Low
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	Low
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	Very Low
Level 7 (Violent)	Low
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	Moderate
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	Low

Take the Dante's Divine Comedy Inferno Test

"Very High" in lust. Low to moderate in everything else. Go figure.




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Secret's out.

Take a look. If you don't get the irony, then God help you.

I really have nothing more to say here, but the template modification puts a "Read more" link there whether I like it or not.

So now comes the uncomfortable silence where I try to say something to fill the space. It's like the blogging equivalent of the following conversation:

"Hey, I heard this funny story about a cat that ate a used condom."
"Yeah? Tell me."
"Actually, that was it. The cat ate the condom."
"Oh."
"Yeah."
"So... nice weather, huh?"


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You will give me paper towels...

The lavatory at work just got one of these new-fangled paper towel dispensers with the electric eye. Y'know, the kind you wave your hand in front of to get your four-square-inch towel.

Does anybody else ever feel like they're performing the Jedi Mind Trick on those things?

In honor of Smivey:

Electric-eye paper towel dispensers, you suck.


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The Great Spambot Invasion

If you’re reading this, I may already be dead. Pay attention: our very lives may be in danger. I have uncovered a plot by spambots to take over the world.

No, think about it: first they were just in email, right? Randomly emailing folk with made-up names, advertising viagra and mortgage refinancing. they’d slip their nasty little bot fingers into webpages and steal email addresses for their dirty little lists, but at least you could stop them with decent spam blockers.

But then…then they spread to chat rooms, telling people they were 18/f , asking people if they wanted to see naked pictures on their profile. Fourteen-year-old kids tried to cyber with them, only to find they needed to enter daddy’s credit card to get any further. I once witnessed an entire aol chat room filled with nothing but spambots, talking to each other. Most of it was garbage, but it may have been in code:

wellhung42: guess what!
1983virgin: that’s great. would you like to see my profile? http://profile.chatclient.com/1983virgin
moneyman: hey guys.
wellhung42: any guys who want the secret to prolonged erection, IM me!
1983virgin: really? that’s very sexy. i’m a lonely cheerleeder, sitting around in my underwear. look at my profile!
moneyman: i have a great business opportunity for you guys…

But then we learned to block them out (or got hobbies and migrated out of the chat rooms), and they had to evolve again…

Now they’ve spread to blogs. I just spent… well, five minutes, but still… perusing Blogger “blogs” that were really ads for casinos and pocket bikes (whatever the hell that is). If they keep evolving like this, it’s only a matter of time before they spread to the computers that control our defense grids and demand that we buy cialis or face our immediate extermination. I've seen War Games; I know the score.

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Expect the unexpected

"Unexpectedly?" To whom?

Microsoft Entourage for Mac quits "unexpectedly" ten to twelve times a day. It quits when you start emails. It quits when you read them. It quits when the fax machine down the hall beeps too loudly.

I'd have to be mentally deficient not to expect it.


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Enlightenment at 4 a.m.

Very tired but want to tell you about this amazing insight I just had cause I'm not sure I'll remember it in the morning. I believe that teh meaning we as a species have been looking for canvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv

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